Your mouth is God's brothel.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Pooping to opera.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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