How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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