i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
