she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
