rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
