...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
