why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
