i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
