Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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