He uses pillows to masturbate.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
