Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I will pee on everything he values.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
