Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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