absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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