Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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