He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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