I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
