i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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