You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
