i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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