So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
