The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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