Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
