my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
