OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
