Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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