Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
