Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
