I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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