Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
