So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
