well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
