Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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