I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You've changed since you got that strap on
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
