someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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