Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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