One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
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