When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
