i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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