I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
