This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
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not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
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I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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