I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
