I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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