can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
