Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
