conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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