I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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