No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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