Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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