I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
