I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
