God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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