Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Randomize
