We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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