i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
