did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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