Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
