I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
