He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
