You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
