i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
