I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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