i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
