I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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