I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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