He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You pole danced in your parka.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
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