I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
